Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
