I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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