My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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