Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Randomize
