anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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