Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
