My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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