he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
All the doctor said was why
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
