I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
