yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
