Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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