I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
