I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
