just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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