i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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