I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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