This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
