You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
