You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
