I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
