I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
