what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
