I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Randomize
