My brain says no but my pants say off.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
