I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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