i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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