She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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