he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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