Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
And then the night went full on bisexual.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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