I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
