If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
