Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
