I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
