News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You have to summon your inner elephant
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
