come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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