you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
