She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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