i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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