the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
