new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
