when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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