he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
