If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
