I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
