i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
