You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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