i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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