I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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