I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
