i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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